When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
