I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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