I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
