I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
