I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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