he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
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my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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