I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
