I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
