meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
God, I missed his penis.
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