Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
