I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
