oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Can you bring me the toilet please
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Randomize
