his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
