That's when you crack a 10am beer
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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