Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
