i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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