my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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