Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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