I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
