Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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