I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
