you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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