My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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