Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
