Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
