Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
