loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
