he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
