if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
