Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
