You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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