Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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