community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
