that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I will pee on everything he values.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
