Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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