I was born with a shot glass in my hand
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
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