i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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