I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
