Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
