Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
