This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
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