remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
