The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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