He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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