Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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