Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
