just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
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The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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