you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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