I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
