I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
