Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
