found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
