Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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