I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
