I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
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It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
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My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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