I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
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